Anxiety on High

Today has been rough. And it’s only noon.

I woke up somewhere around 4 or 5 times last night. My sleep was messed up.

I had plenty of caffeine. I forgot food. I wasn’t hungry but I ate a chocolate muffin for lunch.

I was in a daze driving to school. I almost cried in the middle of class this morning. I bought a book and a sweater to lift me up. I skipped tutoring because I would have cried.

I still have another class to go to. I tried to read a book. But I can’t do it. This is all I can do.

Anxiety is on high.

An update.

Six months since I’ve written. What can I say about that time?

I finished my first semester of seminary school.
I was in Death Valley for three months.
I started my second semester of seminary school.

That about sums it up. Chronologically and factually.

What about emotionally? Oh, I’d say it has been a roller-coaster. More like a kid’s roller-coaster. You know, the kinds that just slightly has it’s ups and downs, nothing major. Still a roller-coaster though. Death Valley was a dark place emotionally. I felt lonely and separate from everything. Most of the time I kept my emotions in check. It was hard work. I’m lucky that I was able to mostly keep it together.

Now I’m going into this second semester of seminary. I’m feeling mostly good. It feels amazing to be back home. After my summer experience, it really feels like a huge blessing to be where I am right now. I have the stress of school. I have the stress because of my current weight. My body doesn’t feel well. My mental health is suffering as a result. I have to put in the hard work for my body. But at the same time I have to put in the hard work of school. It’s already a month into school, and I haven’t quite gotten into the rhythm of anything. I better step up fast.

My prayers are just that I can keep myself together emotionally and do what needs to be done. And there is a lot to be done!

A Week Off

Here’s a picture of tacos for no reason at all. Except that they were absolutely delicious, and I wish I was eating one right now.

Spent a whole week doing nothing towards my goals. And I’m ok with that. I’ve had family in town and I wanted to maximize my time with them. I also had to go to work, which limited my time with them. I had to go to sleep early to keep my sleep hygiene, and then I would have to wake up early. It didn’t always work out just fine. Although I will say positively that I did go to work and I did volunteer. This week is over. On to the future.

Starting Monday I will adjust my diet. I will go back to the gym. I will write more. I will do more planning. I will prepare more for school to start. I’m especially excited about going back to the gym. A whole week off was a bit too much for me. It affects my mental health tremendously. I feel much more even tempered when I’ve been active. Inactivity creates a lot of energy stored inside without an outlet. It ends up creating more anxiety and more irritability in me, which then makes me depressed which makes me less inclined to do the things I want to do. It’s a terrible cycle. Sooo… I need to keep exercising. When I don’t know what to do, or when I don’t feel like doing anything: EXERCISE! That’s my note to self.

Also I’m not beating myself up for not having done much this week. It happens. There will be times like this. As long as I pick myself back up, and keep going, we’re good. So here’s to continuing good health!

Gym Intentions

Today I woke up 3 hours late, ate 50 cent grilled cheese sandwiches and went to the liquor store, instead of going to the gym.

I had all intentions of going to the gym. But it simply didn’t happen. I had nightmares this morning and had kind of a hard time recovering from them. Nightmares are unusual for me, so it was particularly distressing. I kept wanting to wake up from it but the dream kept repeating and I couldn’t get out of it. It was a little bit terrifying. Eventually I did finally break free of it, and I quickly got out of bed.

 

I wanted to go to the gym today. But because I got up late, it couldn’t happen during any other part of the day. I’m learning to be forgiving of myself for not always being up to par. Sometimes you just can’t control circumstances. However, I could have made better choices like not eating grilled cheese sandwiches. You can try better next time. Because I couldn’t go to the gym today means that I must go tomorrow.

“Act justly, love faithfulness, walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8

Feeling Sick

My coach at the gym asked me today if I was doing ok. I was moving rather slow. I told her that I was incredibly sleepy and that my medication had changed. She was supportive. Later I was still feeling lethargic and she said, “You made it here to the gym instead of still being in bed!” I was encouraged by that. And I felt like my morning was not all a waste.

After the workout I had a super supportive conversation with my sister-in-law about my recent frustration with this weight gain. Talking with her made me feel really good. Right after that I met with another coach from the gym to discuss nutrition. That was also great.

Most of the late morning early afternoon went well. Until sometime during the afternoon. I started to feel dizzy and light headed. It was like my blood pressure was fluctuating every time I moved my head. I was nauseated as well. We went to pick up my brother from the airport, and the symptoms never fully went away. In fact they got worse. I laid down in bed for an hour or so. It helped until I got up again and everything came back. In fact I’m still dealing with these symptoms. I’m hoping that a night’s sleep will shake it off. I’m almost afraid to move for fear of the dizziness. My head hurts too. Ugh, I feel sick.

I wonder if it’s all a prolonged panic attack for some reason.

I submitted my seminary school application today.

Tomorrow

Trying to think about today. You know what, forget today (it was a good day) but let me move on to tomorrow. Tomorrow’s going to be a long one.

I start work at 6AM. It’s my first shift back to work after taking leave for my mental health. I’m both excited and nervous about it. Mostly It’s going to be good. And I enjoy working there. I’m looking forward to my coworkers. It will be fun.

I’ll have a few hours after work to get some coffee and brunch before I have my psychiatrist appointment. I’m looking forward to that as well. I need to talk to her about the medicines making me put on so much weight and making it ridiculously difficult to lose any of it. Plus some work related things. Mainly I just want to be off my meds so I can get down to a reasonable weight. Right now as it stands I’m officially obese. I’m way past the overweight category. I’m smack in the middle of certifiably obese. I do not like that word and I do not like what it means. It puts me at risk for all kinds of preventable diseases like diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, etc. I don’t want those things. I want to lose fat and build muscle. I want to be healthy! Ok enough of that rant.

After the doctor’s appointment I’m going to workout, and straight from there I have my lecture and group session at church. I’m supposed to have written a Psalm of my own.

It’s a jam packed day. The only problem I have with it is how early I have to get up and leave the house. I wonder if I’ll have time to do part of my Bible study in the morning. I better make time for it. That’s super important and will set me up for a good day. I’ll try that.

In Summary:
Work. Study. Doctor. Read. Workout. Group.

Weight

This picture shows a 50 pound difference. 30 of those pounds are only in the last 6 months. I didn’t significantly change much about my habits. In fact I was fairly active. I ate a little more than usual, but still, not significantly. The only thing that changed was the dosage of medicine I was taking. We increased it drastically. Then all the weight just accumulated. My clothes have never been so tight. Even my baggy clothes are tight. It’s ridiculous. I hate this.

I started doing CrossFit two months ago. I’ve been going 5 days a week. And I’ve been pushing myself during the workouts. But still, nothing. You would think there would at least be some change. You would think that maybe if not on the scale at least my clothes would fit differently. Nope. Nothing. Scale’s not changing. Waistline’s not changing. I’m trying to watch what I eat. I’ve almost completely cut out all sodas. I’ve limited my alcohol consumption. I try to avoid breads and rice. Now I’m going to have to start counting calories, and I’m going to start running in addition to the CrossFit. And if still nothing changes, I have no idea what to do. Somehow I’ll have to start coming off of my medication, because this weight is not good. It’s making me more unhealthy than healthy. I’d rather be crazy than obese.