Normal Anxieties

Remember how I was excited about getting back to my goals? Well, I ended up catching a cold. Coughing, sneezy, runny nose, body aches. So much for watching my diet and exercising. Haven’t eaten much. Haven’t moved much. Pretty much sucks. This kind of sick just has to run its course. It better hurry up, because I’ve got stuff to do!

One week until I start seminary school. Later this week is orientation. I’m super excited to get started already! I’m ready to learn! I’m also getting nervous. What if it’s too hard? What if I can’t keep up? What if I fail? These are normal anxieties. A lot of people feel this way when they step up to something big. But that’s why they’re big dreams. Not everyone has the courage, will, and determination to do it. So here I am, making my attempt, answering the call. And I will be successful. It’s a path that I’m ready to take on. Each step will lead me to bigger and bright things in the future.


“May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face to shine upon us, Selah
that your way may be known on earth,

your saving power among all nations.”
(Psalm 67:1–2)

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.”
(Isaiah 60:1)

A Week Off

Here’s a picture of tacos for no reason at all. Except that they were absolutely delicious, and I wish I was eating one right now.

Spent a whole week doing nothing towards my goals. And I’m ok with that. I’ve had family in town and I wanted to maximize my time with them. I also had to go to work, which limited my time with them. I had to go to sleep early to keep my sleep hygiene, and then I would have to wake up early. It didn’t always work out just fine. Although I will say positively that I did go to work and I did volunteer. This week is over. On to the future.

Starting Monday I will adjust my diet. I will go back to the gym. I will write more. I will do more planning. I will prepare more for school to start. I’m especially excited about going back to the gym. A whole week off was a bit too much for me. It affects my mental health tremendously. I feel much more even tempered when I’ve been active. Inactivity creates a lot of energy stored inside without an outlet. It ends up creating more anxiety and more irritability in me, which then makes me depressed which makes me less inclined to do the things I want to do. It’s a terrible cycle. Sooo… I need to keep exercising. When I don’t know what to do, or when I don’t feel like doing anything: EXERCISE! That’s my note to self.

Also I’m not beating myself up for not having done much this week. It happens. There will be times like this. As long as I pick myself back up, and keep going, we’re good. So here’s to continuing good health!

I can do this

The thing about mental health is simply that it effects your mind. The chemicals in your brain have become unregulated making it difficult to think straight. With bipolar whether your thoughts are good or bad, it’s amplified. When your surroundings are good, you feel ecstatic beyond reason. You’re energetic, electric, and love being alive. You’re so optimistic you feel on top of the world. When something so slight makes you worry, it sends you into panic, unable to breath, heart racing, doom encircling you. And then you get sad, and the world crashes around you. You can’t get out of bed. You can’t take a shower. You can’t eat or sleep. You think and feel things that aren’t real. All the while shadows following you. Voices trying to get your attention.

I started getting better. I’ve been exercising. I’ve been getting sleep. I’ve been using my coping skills to get me through tough moments. Really, I’ve been doing well. I thought so anyway. Just when I think things are going great with my health, I forget a dose of medicines, and BAM. I’m back to being a mental mess. I really thought I was doing well, until I wasn’t. It wasn’t even just the missing dose of medicines. It’s been gradual. I’ve let my guard down to my illness.

I resolve to contain this. I won’t let myself spiral out of control. I can do this. The best thing that I can do right now is to grant myself grace.


Hang Squat Snatch

Different day, different problems, different successes.

This morning I got up early and refreshed. Feeling good about the morning, I went back to bed. But it was a terrible idea. I then had several back to back terrible, horrific dreams. They’re way too dark for me to write about. I don’t want to relive them. I woke up again in a sweat and quickly got out of bed to go to the gym. Arrival at the gym got my mind off of the dreams and into the present moment.

A day off of the gym felt like an eternity on my body. I was hurting through warmup. It seemed like all of my joints had become stiff. I felt quite inflexible. Just warming up with the barbell was tough. I felt like I’d never be able to lift the weight as prescribed. But, I tried. And, well, I lifted more weight than I’ve ever lifted on the Hang Squat Snatch than ever before. In fact, it was a weight that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to lift. Only weeks ago I was barely being able to lift the bar like that. Not only that, it was right in line with many of the other strong ladies in the gym. The girl behind me usually lifts about twice the weight that I lift, and today I was lifting the same weight as her! It took me a million tries but I finally PR’d my Hang Squat Snatch! Way to go me!

The gym was great. Got home, freshened up, and headed out to my counselor appointment. On my way there I realized that I had prepared nothing. I hadn’t thought about my week. In fact, I couldn’t even remember my week. I didn’t bring my notebook. I didn’t bring my workbooks. I had simply forgotten everything. Well I got there and told this to my counselor. She mentioned it being yet another symptom of my depression. We went through a whole list of other things last week. After talking to her, I became aware that today was not an isolated instance. I’m concerned to say the least, but don’t quite know what to do.

After meeting my counselor I went down to the church office to do some work for Sunday’s services. I had a great time learning some new things and chatting. We got a lot of work done, and it all felt really wonderful. The rest of the day was similarly nice.

To conclude, if you asked me how my day was today, I’d probably say it was good because it was indeed pretty good considering my big success at the gym. But I’d say it knowing that there were several things that I am actively avoiding and unwilling to confront.


Can’t Wake Up

Something different happened this morning. I couldn’t wake up. Not in a I-don’t-want-to-get-up kind of way. It was in a literally-I-can’t-wake-up kind of way. I got out of bed because my mom threatened to yank me out of of bed. She was pretty angry. I spent the rest of the morning in a blur. I know I ate a bagel and drank tea. But most of that is a complete blur. I drove my little bro to the gym. Came home, slept for 30 minutes, and picked him up. All a total blur. My eyes half open throughout all of it. I came home and had to get ready for work. After my shower I was slightly more awake, but still rather half awake. On the way to work, I picked up a triple latte, and finally after a few miles started to feel more awake. By the time I got to work I was nice and chipper and ready to get to business. The rest of the day has been great and productive. I learned a lot in training at work, made an important phone call, and got a lot of work done at home. And now I’m not really very tired. So this whole cycle might happen all over again.

I can’t explain what happened this morning. I took the same medicines as usual. Didn’t eat or drink anything out of the ordinary. Took awhile to fall asleep, but that’s nothing unusual either. I really don’t know. And, I don’t know what else to say.

A Dream

I watched from afar the storm coming down on the city. Giant waves crashed into the skyscrapers in the middle of the city. The City became flooded. I watched from the other side of the bridge. Half demolished buildings surrounded me. It was dark. The streetlights had been smashed to pieces. The posts holding the bridge tore apart and crumbled into the flood waters. I watched as they shattered to pieces. Wave after wave the city was being destroyed. The wind blew apart the skyscrapers and shattered windows. The waves. The giant waves. Under the darkened skies.

Then the dragons came. Giant beasts. Shimmering midnight blue scales. Their nostrils flaring. Their monstrous veinous wings flapping slowly. Their thunderous hind legs and giant claws clutched the demolished buildings. They descended onto the shards as the buildings crumbled under their great weight. I watched in horror hoping they wouldn’t see me. So small in the dark.

The men came in on horses wielding their elegant swords. They entered the abandoned buildings. Searching for any life. Battling the fires. Then a dragon came upon me. It’s yellow eyes looking into me. It slowly approached. Then suddenly it lunged at me as I jumped back. It got a hold of my arm. And just as suddenly a man on horseback wielding his sword came and struck the dragon in his side. They battled. Up and down the broken tower. They fought. So strong this man. And finally. The dragon was defeated. The man came to me and wrapped me in his arms and comforted me. He was like an angel. His bright blue eyes. His warm smile. He held me until the storm passed.