Today was a good day. It was a good day because I believed that it would be a good day. It had its challenges, but I overcame them. In the morning I made tea for the family. During the day I accomplished a lot of the things that were on my list, most of which involved reading. I love reading! It was fantastic. Also during the day I had a lot of energy. I drank two energy drinks, because why not? I was feeling great. Actually I drank them because after my tea I was still tired. Also, I’m starting the Whole30 soon and I didn’t want them to sit in the fridge for another several months. So I drank them both.
Before Mom came home from work, I decided to put on some makeup because I was feeling really good about myself. Once she came home we made a tentative mental list of the things that I wanted to get from the grocery store to start the Whole30 on Monday. She also agreed to take me to buy some new makeup. Sweet!
On the way to the store, we stopped at Hobby Lobby just for the heck of it. It was an eye opening experience. My anxiety soared through the roof. It was almost debilitating. I had to get out of the store as soon as possible. There were so many people. So many noisy children. So many people crowding me. It was unbearable. I felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, crazy. It was close to a panic attack. But we got out of there quickly, and I started to get better. We went to another more calm store, and I was fine.
After that we finally went to Ulta to look at makeup. We started talking to one of the consultants, and I ended up getting a lot of foundation put on my face. It looked good at the store. My anxiety didn’t affect me at Ulta. We were in kind of our own little spot away from all the people, so it really felt like only the three of us. We picked up some samples of that makeup and then went to JCPenney’s. We looked around and bought some makeup there. I couldn’t stay there too long, it was also kind of crowded. The makeup shopping took up a lot of time. After a couple of hours it was finally time to go to the grocery store.
Once inside the grocery store my anxiety shot way up again. So many people. So many children. So much stuff. It wasn’t as narrow of a space, but it still felt crowded everywhere. The produce section was making me crazy. I could barely handle it. I took some deep breaths. I told myself that it would be ok. I told myself that I was able to handle myself at the other stores, I should be able to handle this as well. I talked myself into feeling better. I was able to externally pull myself together even though my insides were still screaming. I still had all of the physical symptoms of anxiety going on inside of me. Eventually I sort of calmed down. I focused on the task at hand, and got through the rest of the grocery trip.
I told Mom that I was able to stand up to that major challenge of getting through the grocery shopping trip, but ahead lies the next challenging: Being able to keep up the control over myself even at home. Once I get home I tend to relax the control I have over myself and stop doing anything useful. I completely shut down. But tonight I was able to hold myself together all the way until after dinner. Even now, I’m feeling good. I’m a little bit on the manic side though. Probably because of those two energy drinks.
This post ended up being one long ramble of my day.