Normal Anxieties

Remember how I was excited about getting back to my goals? Well, I ended up catching a cold. Coughing, sneezy, runny nose, body aches. So much for watching my diet and exercising. Haven’t eaten much. Haven’t moved much. Pretty much sucks. This kind of sick just has to run its course. It better hurry up, because I’ve got stuff to do!

One week until I start seminary school. Later this week is orientation. I’m super excited to get started already! I’m ready to learn! I’m also getting nervous. What if it’s too hard? What if I can’t keep up? What if I fail? These are normal anxieties. A lot of people feel this way when they step up to something big. But that’s why they’re big dreams. Not everyone has the courage, will, and determination to do it. So here I am, making my attempt, answering the call. And I will be successful. It’s a path that I’m ready to take on. Each step will lead me to bigger and bright things in the future.

 

“May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face to shine upon us, Selah
that your way may be known on earth,

your saving power among all nations.”
(Psalm 67:1–2)

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.”
(Isaiah 60:1)

Update Kind Of.

Tri training has been going well. I’ve hit all my goals so far. The initial goal was to stick to the schedule as planned. And I have accomplished that. It feels pretty darn good. Next week will also be about hitting the same goal of sticking to the schedule. After these two weeks I can think about bumping up my level of effort within the extra workouts. My knees are already feeling tight, so I may not want to push them too hard. I wouldn’t want to have to quit because of an injury.

My mood lately is best described as irritable. I keep snapping at people in my family. I have a harder time keeping my mental balance. My patience is thin. I get irritated and annoyed too easily. The reason for this could be a few different things. One, it could be because of the extra exercise. It could be a symptom of a bipolar hypomania, or it could be a symptom of depression. I talked some things over with my counselor earlier this week. She added up some other symptoms I’ve been having. She came to the conclusion that it sounds like a depression coming on. So I have to fight that now.

How do I fight this depression? Exercise is supposed to help. I’m doing that. I’ve been making my appointment and activity commitments even when I don’t want to. I need to start eating and sleeping regularly. I have to keep writing. I have to change my thought patterns. Which would require me to read my book and work on some exercises.

Overall though I’m feeling pretty hopeful. That’s a good feeling. I’m still excited about tri training. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and something that I’ve always wanted to try to be good at. Also though, I want to get back to climbing. So I have no idea how I’m going to have time to go climbing on top of tri training and CrossFit. I wish that I had all the time in the world to go from one activity to the other and still do all of my extra curricular activities.

Triathlon Training

Triathlon Training. Here we go. This is happening. Believe it or not.

It all started when I was over at my friends’ house. We were talking about something or another, and the subject of triathlons came up. I somehow stated that I would join them in doing a tri. What? Yep. I am now going to start training for a triathlon. Not really sure how it all happened. But it’s happening.

I’ve always wanted to try a tri. My chance has finally arrived. The timing is perfect. This summer I’ll be leading a running tour. So I have to get in shape for that. And why not train for a triathlon in the process? I can build up my running fitness as well as my overall fitness. Sounds like a win-win.

Tuesday the extra work begins. I will continue my 5 days a week of CrossFit, and I will add the tri training along with it. Tomorrow is an off day, but Tuesday I have an extra run to start. Wednesday will be a bike, and Thursday will be a swim. The rest of the work will continue on with alternating workouts, distances, and times.

I’m pretty excited about it all. Training for an event is a tangible goal. I have the resources, I have all the equipment, I have the basic understanding. All I really have to do is put in the work. This will be good for my mental health. I enjoy having something to look forward to and I enjoy increasing my physical abilities. This will definitely build up my mental toughness. It’s going to take a lot of discipline. There will be so many moments when I’ll really feel like giving up. But I can’t let that happen. I have to keep going. Everything for me is about moving forward. Always keep moving. However slow you need to go, just keep going.

My Fitness Story

I played a lot of sports when I was a kid. Even in high school I tried playing some things. Mostly I had given up on trying.

In college somehow I decided to start working out at the gym across my dorm. I did really well. Lost some weight. But by second semester my enthusiasm was gone. I hated how I looked. So I gave up. I let myself go completely. I was in horrible health. For another 6 or 7 years I struggled with my weight.

My first job out of college had a gym before you leave the office. So I stopped by every day on my way out to do a light workout. Soon I was able to join the lunch time crew who worked out way better than I could ever have done on my own. And then I started Kung fu. And life was amazing. I felt great. I was fit. I had to buy new clothes. It was pretty cool.

Fast forward a couple of years. I end up in Fort Worth with my parents and with no job. So I found a Muay Thai gym. Earlier when I thought I was fit, I was delusional. Kicking, punching, elbowing, kneeing… and then CrossFit on top of that. Then I can safely say that I was fit. And that I looked like I was fit. But in my own skin I couldn’t see it. I still felt like I was heavy.

New job prevented me from working out so much. This has been the theme for the last five years. Every year I put on more weight. Sure, I do things every now and then, but I’m not fit, and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.

So. With all of that running through my past. I joined a CrossFit gym. I’ve been going since August. Five days a week. I haven’t seen a weight change because of my medicine, but I know that I’m getting fitter! All the people are awesome. Every day is different but it’s always challenging. I finally feel like I can actually reach my goals this time and sustain them.

A Refreshingly Good Thought

All this week, and especially today, I’ve been dreading going to work tomorrow. But I just thought to myself moments ago, that it’s just another thing that I’m doing. It’s no big deal! And I like doing things. It’s nice to get out of the house and have something to do. I need responsibilities in my life. So this is good! I meet with a cohort to talk about Bible study material. I also meet with a group of ladies to discuss the story of Exodus and how it relates to us today. I have a group that meets weekly for fellowship and catch up in our lives. I go to the gym regularly. So, work! It’s just another thing that I’m doing. And I get paid for it. Pretty sweet deal.

Wow. I feel so much better thinking this way. Being positive is refreshing. I’ve been feeling sick all day today with a headache and a stomach ache. I took medicine but eventually it wore off. I took a second dose and it actually kicked in and kept the headache away. I went to hang out with my mom in the kitchen while she was cooking, and I got a phone call from a friend. We were going to meet for coffee but instead I invited her over to dinner with our family. We all had a wonderful time. Dinner was amazing. I was finally feeling better, and we got to have great conversation. I love impromptu nights like this!

Tonight I’m feeling pretty good. Against the odds from last night and this morning, the day and evening went rather well! Can’t wait till work tomorrow!

Camping in the Ouchitas

This story begins with an idea that started with a thought. The idea was that we go on this backpacking trip. We get all our gear together. We gotta plan the routes. Find out our water cache locations. And then hit the trail. Shouldn’t have been a big problem. And in the end it wasn’t a big problem at all. We arrived Thursday night at 1 or 2 AM and slept in the car. In the morning we looked for the water cache locations but it was taking a long time. We decided to give up on trying to find the water cache locations an instead get some campsites for the rest of the length of our stay. We arranged that quite easily. Two of us went on a short 3 mile hike,. While I stayed at camp and rested after the relative chaos of the past few weeks. Saturday we hiked 8 miles. 2.5 to the Potato Hill Vista. Then we continued on to our 4 mile marker. We ate our lunch and then head back just in the nick of time before it got completely dark. It was a great hike, getting us right back to our campsite. So much fun! Sunday we did a shorter hike. Three miles around the lake. Leisurely. But we were still tired. And glad that we only did 3, anymore it would have been excessive. From there we drove out to Panorama Vista to see the sunset. It was beautiful and worth it.

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We talked about our journeys through life. We made sarcastic jokes. We got along well. We talked about Jesus. It was a good time to connect and learn about our group. It wasn’t the trip that I had planned. But it was the trip that we needed to do. And I still want to go backpacking with these girls sometime in the future. God always knows his plan, and God is always putting his plan into action. We just have to go along with it. The next trip will be different, but it’s going to be wonderful.

Tomorrow

Trying to think about today. You know what, forget today (it was a good day) but let me move on to tomorrow. Tomorrow’s going to be a long one.

I start work at 6AM. It’s my first shift back to work after taking leave for my mental health. I’m both excited and nervous about it. Mostly It’s going to be good. And I enjoy working there. I’m looking forward to my coworkers. It will be fun.

I’ll have a few hours after work to get some coffee and brunch before I have my psychiatrist appointment. I’m looking forward to that as well. I need to talk to her about the medicines making me put on so much weight and making it ridiculously difficult to lose any of it. Plus some work related things. Mainly I just want to be off my meds so I can get down to a reasonable weight. Right now as it stands I’m officially obese. I’m way past the overweight category. I’m smack in the middle of certifiably obese. I do not like that word and I do not like what it means. It puts me at risk for all kinds of preventable diseases like diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, etc. I don’t want those things. I want to lose fat and build muscle. I want to be healthy! Ok enough of that rant.

After the doctor’s appointment I’m going to workout, and straight from there I have my lecture and group session at church. I’m supposed to have written a Psalm of my own.

It’s a jam packed day. The only problem I have with it is how early I have to get up and leave the house. I wonder if I’ll have time to do part of my Bible study in the morning. I better make time for it. That’s super important and will set me up for a good day. I’ll try that.

In Summary:
Work. Study. Doctor. Read. Workout. Group.