Brazil

Got back from Brazil this week. Our church does a short term mission trip there every year. It was my first year to go and it was incredible. I’m still trying to process everything.

It was so cool to see how God answered prayers while we were there. We even got to see some of the fruits of our work while we were there. There were some rough times for me personally but overall it was just wonderful and I can’t wait to go back next year.

I might write something more detailed about the trip at some point in the future. I’ll have to plan it out.

Good Things Going Forward

Today I got to discharge from my outpatient program at the hospital. What a good feeling. I’ve been doing a lot better, and I’m so glad that I’m doing well enough that I get to go out on my own. So exciting. I’m beyond excited. I’ve got so much that I want to do!

I’m going to dream big. I’ve pretty much decided that I want to go to seminary school and then go to law school. I want to be an influencer in this world. I can’t just stand back while things happen in this world. I have to do something about it. And nows the time to start making good things happen.

I’m so excited for the future. God has some good big things planned.

Also today I started the Whole30. It’s going well so far. Eating lots of healthy foods. I need to make sure that I get my nutrition timing right too. I ate dinner way after my workout. I should have eaten sooner, or at least have had a backup recovery bar for post-workout. Oh well, I’ll get there soon enough.

And of course CrossFit is going well. Made it a priority to go today. I missed the early class, so I went to the evening class instead. It was good.

Met with my Porterbrook cohort right after my workout. We had a great discussion about the readings we had done. I enjoyed our time today. It was well spent.

Staring Spells & Psychosis

Psychosis. It begins. This is the manic side starting up. If it wasn’t for the Ambien, I wouldn’t sleep. I’m restless. My irritability is through the roof. The rage is seething inside. And for nothing. Nothing made me angry. I just have the physical symptoms of anger. I’m like the Tasmanian Devil inside. I keep seeing things move out of the side of my eyes. Both sides. One at a time. I swear, there’s something there. It’s behind me too. I feel it. I keep hearing the phone ring. But it’s not ringing. When I close my eyes I see the faces. When my eyes are open I’m simply distracted by my sight that I don’t see the faces. But they’re there, looking at me with evil in their hearts.

I had two major staring spells today. First on our way home from shopping with mom. I was driving. And I was filled with anger. For no reason. I became tense. It was extremely difficult to focus on driving. I’m surprised that we got home alright. I was on autopilot. I didn’t feel in control. The second was at home in my office. Mom snapped at me trying to get photos from my phone. I froze while she took my phone and proceeded to airdrop herself some photos. I was frozen for awhile. I couldn’t respond to her giving me my phone back. I felt paralyzed. Like I wanted to move, but was afraid to move. I stayed quiet for awhile. She left. I continued to stay quiet.

I later went downstairs to take my medicine. She pointed out several of today’s wins. I went to workout and felt strong afterward. I went to the movies with Mom and enjoyed it. I was filled with rage while shopping, but didn’t show it or act on any of it. I didn’t even snap at Mom. I shared with her how I was feeling, and she appreciated it. She pointed out that I had a lot to be proud of today, and that she’s proud of me. She said, “I love you!” and asked for a hug. I gave her a hug and told her I love her too.